Technology is not intelligently planned


New traffic rules

Jack up your car by installing tires that are big enough to drive over a three story building. Don't worry about your gearing. The look of your car will more than compensate for the lack of acceleration and it will give those behind you time enough to admire your giant car.

When you are well aware that your car might break down, try to limb on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic. The middle lane of a 3-lane intersection also works well for the final breakdown.

If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder, you will have to crawl under it and the shoulder is usually muddy. When stopping, leave your car door wide open. When going under the car make sure to stretch your legs as far out onto the road as possible.

If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, lie the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it. Any Land Rover tire with wheel can stop any oncoming car up to 2000 pounds GVW thus making an excellent safety device.

If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine. Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible.

If your car leaks oil, visit friends or relatives and park in their driveway. (not enforceable if they also own a Landrover)

Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet and slippery roads. On offroad outings insist on taking the most difficult routes and block anyone behind you for hours during which they try to retrieve you- with THEIR winches. Then complain about their lack of skill and tell them the way YOU would have handled that.

If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes but are uncertain of where it comes from allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you. At the next red light ask him if it smelled like 90Weight, ATF, engine oil or coolant.

Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where your looking, or what's happening in front of you. Alternatively install a bonnet-mounted tire and fill your trunk up to the roof with useless junk.

Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and under-staffed gas station. Bonus points are allocated if your cars body is so muddy the attendant makes all kind of artistic moves to avoid touching it. Bonus points are again allocated if you have a bonnet-mounted spare tire. Look how he struggles to open that heavy hood. Drop a copious amount of mud on the ground when leaving.

When washing your car at self-serve units make sure to get all the mud out of the wheelwells. Leave it there so the next one to use this box must first spent a small fortune trying to hose enough down so he can at least get IN the box with his car.

Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights. If ypi replace a burned out headlamp, use at least an 100/130 Watt bulb. Generally use only the brightest bulbs available, carry no spares.

Try to aim the lights higher than legal limit. You will be able to see a lot further.

Windows which no longer roll down are not to be fixed. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay at a highway toll. On Series vehicles don't replace the seal when it blocks the sliding glass.

If your car's safety fails the annual state inspection, bring it to a private inspection station and pay the mechanic $20 to pass you. If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait months until its inspection time to get them repaired.

If the plastic tail light lenses break, fix them with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with clear tape.

If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to tie it back up. Remember that the system needs some movement, so tie it only loosely. If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening.

Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the windshield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you.

An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap.

When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to re-enter your car.

Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read them. Alternatively install them as low as possible, maybe behind the tow ball so it's always completely covered in mud.

When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one. But he will never ask as he will surely remember you.